Created to be his Help Meet – A Review (sort of).

Created to be his Help Meet – A Review (sort of)..

My Ten Most Appreciated Authors

I like the following authors not for entertainment reasons or because of talents/writing styles.  I appreciate these authors based upon their lives of faith, sound theology/doctrine, and personally, for how God has very powerfully used them in my life and in countless others.  Some of the following men have books that are just written sermons or even biographies. However, for the sake of simplicity, I will just call them, “authors.”

God has used the following authors more profoundly in my life than any other:

1. J.C. Ryle
2. A.W. Tozer
3. Leonard Ravenhill
4. Andrew Murray
5. George Mueller
6. John Bunyan
7. E.M. Bounds
8. John Piper
9. R.C. Sproul
10. David Wilkerson

Who are your most appreciated authors?

The Eternal Danger of Not Knowing the War and other convictions

(For the sake of people’s feelings, I have not used the actual names of the people involved in the following story)

When the Lord rescued me from the domain of darkness, I knew very little of spiritual warfare.  I could definitely feel the war, I just wasn’t sure how to name it.  However, the Lord gave me a very alarming dream a few days after I was baptized.  I would not understand this dream until years later.

For a full year after my baptism, I lived with the girl who led me to Christ, Stephanie, and her family.  A year after my baptism, I moved to Joplin, Missouri, to attend Ozark Christian College.  That first year with Jesus was a blessed time of rest, joy, prayer and evangelism.  It was also a time of persecution from my former friends.  Stephanie and I both were attacked by various people for our faith.  However, we counted all of the trials pure joy for the Lord.  And Stephanie was a deep encouragement to me when others persecuted me.

I also had many dreams throughout that year.  The Lord taught me that I needed to count the cost of following Him.  I know that my Father’s love is better than life.  That to know His love is worth forsaking my thoughts, my family, friends, home, reputation, respect, culture, possessions, talents, poetry, music, food, health, time, hobbies, EVERYthing.  He is MORE than worth it all and to compare any of those things to my glorious Lord is embarrassing and shameful.  The Lord gave me many dreams in regard to following Him and what that would be like in a very dark world.  A world that I was once a part of, enslaved to.  A world that from which He set me free.

About 3 or 4 nights after my baptism, I had a very vivid dream.  It was one of the best and worst dreams I have ever had and I will do my best to explain it.  The following is a description of my dream:

An earth shattering sound woke me up from my heavy sleep in the living room of our home.  The sound was loud and very terrifying.  I sat up to look out of the living room window and saw that it was daytime but something was very different.  It was summer but nothing was green outside, instead, it looked like it had rained blood onto everything.  Everything I could see was red.

Bam!  Another loud sound went off and it shook the entire house, even to the point that it caused me to fall down hard onto the floor.  I quickly realized that bombs were going off.  In a panic I ran outside to see what was going on.  I saw something that my mind could never have been prepared to see:

I went outside and stood just a few feet away from the front door and into the front yard.  The ground was muddy with blood and above me, planes covered the skies as they dropped bombs everywhere.  There were hundreds of soldiers running chaotically and like maniacs, they shot everyone in sight (it was very crowded outside with lots of people, even though I didn’t know who they were or where they came from).  It was a war. A terrible, bloody war.  Dead bodies and body parts flew everywhere and even hit me, knocking me to the ground.

It didn’t take long until I also was running chaotically, insensibly trying to find somewhere safe although there was none.  I ran, stumbling upon dead bodies and feeling bullets burn across my skin.  The soldiers were shooting at me.

In a panic I began to look for Stephanie.  ”Stephanie?  Stephanie?  My sister, please don’t be dead!  Stephanie, where are you??!!!”  Terror filled my voice as my soul cried out for my good friend.

Suddenly, I saw Stephanie, standing across the yard, a good distance away from me.  She was just standing in one place, not running chaotically like all of the people around her.  I quickly ran to Stephanie to see if she was okay.

“Stephanie!  Stephanie!  What is happening here?  I don’t understand this, it’s soooo horrible!”  I said to Stephanie.  But Stephanie didn’t seem to hear me.  In fact, she just stood there, as if she were laughing and talking to someone that was not there.  She just stood there, with blood splattered on her face laughing.  Suddenly a soldier and ran after us and shot at us.

“Stephanie, get down!”  She stood there laughing and didn’t seem to hear me so I pushed her down onto the wet, bloody ground.  She had a glazed look over her eyes as if she could not see me or anything going on.  Soldiers came running after us again!  I pulled Stephanie up and ran but she just stood there, laughing even though a soldier was shooting right at her.

“Stephanie!  What is wrong?  Can’t you see that we are in a war?!”  I asked, in disbelief of her behavior.

I looked to my left, I saw dead bodies.  I looked to my right, I saw dead bodies.  I looked everywhere and saw angry soldiers, stabbing and shooting people.  Blood was everywhere, it was even all over me and Stephanie.  In the sky, airplanes were dropping bombs.  All I could hear were guns, bombs, airplanes, and screams so horrible that it made me wonder if I were standing at the gates of hell.  I felt a deep distress and oppression, it was enough to make me want to die in despair.

In the middle of all of this, I fell to my knees and they sank into the bloody, muddy ground.  I looked to the heavens and screamed, “Aaaaaaaaah!  Oh God!  Help me!  Help me! Help me!  I can’t do this anymore!  I hate this, I can’t do this oh God!  Please help me!  I am going to die!!!  I can’t survive this, help me pleeeaase!!!”

Suddenly, the skies opened and I saw visions of heaven.  I do not know how to explain what I saw…all I can say is that it was frightfully beautiful and I have never seen anything like it on earth.  When I saw this glorious sight, I also heard a deep voice that said, “Leah, I am with you.  Don’t be afraid, for if you die, you will be with me.  I am with you my precious daughter.”  I felt release, peace and heavenly joy.  My burdens were lifted.

Bam!  The sounds of bombs caused my body to violently fall onto the ground.  I looked up to see Stephanie still laughing and yet covered in blood, totally unaware of her surroundings.  ”Stephanie!  Run!  Run!  These guys are going to kill you!”  I screamed!

“Ha ha, what Leah?  Ha ha ha ha ha!  What?”  Replied Stephanie.

“What is going on?  Why can’t she see this war?  She is going to get killed.”  I thought to myself.

I grabbed Stephanie and ran, dragging her behind me.  I tried to find a place of shelter for us both but pathetically failed.  There was nowhere to hide.  I ran around the yard screaming, pulling Stephanie with me.  I could never leave her alone, not for one second, for she was unaware of the war around her and nothing I did awakened her to this reality.  She was in constant danger and she didn’t know it.

After running for some time, I became exhausted and distressed.  I felt as though I was going to die, the stress was too much for me.  I couldn’t live in the sight of this horrible war.  I fell again to my knees and cried out to the heavens, “Oh God, help me!  Help me!  I am going to die!  I cannot do this anymore!  Lord, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!  Oh God, help me!  Help me!”

The skies opened and I again saw glorious visions.  I heard the Voice of Life gently tell me, “Leah, I am with you.  Don’t be afraid my daughter.  If you die, you will come home to me.  Please press on!  I am with you! I love you!”

My burdens were lifted as I watched in blissful awe the visions.  I whispered into the skies, “You are with me my God.  You are with me my Father.  I will overcome this world, I love you.”

Bam!  A bomb went off and caused my body to fall down again.  ”Stephanie, run!”  Of Course, Stephanie stood there laughing and didn’t move.  I ran and dragged Stephanie with me.

In my dream these things kept happening over and over again: I fell to my knees, cried out to God, saw visions and heard Him speak truth into my soul.  I kept having to chase Stephanie because she didn’t know there was even a war going on.  The distress I felt was unlike any other I have ever felt before.

I woke up from the dream flabbergasted and exhausted.  I didn’t understand my dream but I thought about it often that first year that I knew Jesus.  Stephanie and I continued to persevere for the sake of the Gospel.  Even though we were persecuted by old friends, we encouraged each other in Christ. With all of our hearts, we delighted ourselves in the Lord, Jesus Christ.

After I attended school in Joplin, Missouri, Stephanie fell away from the Lord.  Not only this, but she began to furiously hate me.  My friend who once encouraged me in persecution became one of my heaviest persecutors.  Confusion and shock filled my mind for years as I tried to reconcile Stephanie back to God but the tension only became worse.  Her hatred for me only seemed to increase.

“What has happened?  How could this be?”  I stayed up many nights weeping and praying for my friend but she only went from bad to worse.  I was devastated, as if my best friend had died.

After this happened, I remembered the dream that I had about the war.   Do you notice something about Stephanie in that dream?  There was a war going on….it was constant, bloody, obvious and everyone was involved in it.  There was no end or shelter from the war…the only way to overcome was through prayer.  But what do you notice about Stephanie?  She didn’t know there was a war.

The reality is, we are daily fighting a war, a spiritual war.  What happens if we walk through a war, totally unguarded and unaware?  The answer is obvious.  How much more if we daily live without the armor of God in a sinful body that wages war against our souls?  Not only this, but we are daily fighting against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Surely the wars of this age will devour us whole if we are not careful.  Don’t you know that satan literally roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour?  Don’t you think that is pretty serious?

We may be tempted at times to not read our bibles.  Is this serious?  God’s Word is our spiritual sword against satan himself.  Don’t you think we need it richly living in our hearts and minds in order to be sanctified from the corrupt mindsets of this age?   How serious is it when we are tempted to not read our bibles and give in to spiritual laziness?  Spiritual laziness is another word for spiritual death.

If we know that we need to read our bibles and instead, play a game, go for a walk or read another book for an hour, our hearts will become harder within that hour and it will become even more difficult to focus on His Word than it was before.  What is this?  What is happening here?  It is a spiritual battle, an invisible battle.  Daily there is a war happening that is far worse and serious than the war that I described in my dream.

Have I been praised for thinking this way?  Ha!  No way.  I have been told that I need to go to a mental institution for thinking this way.  I have been told many times, “Leah, relax, watch a movie, get a hobby.  you don’t have to pray all the time.”

The Lord has never said to me, “Leah, please relax, watch a movie and forget about the concerns of my heart for a few hours.  Even though you are in a war, your neighbors and family are eternally perishing and I am returning any moment…it’s not a big deal…relax, get a hobby and find interests in things besides me.”  WHAT?!  NO WAY!  The Lord has never said that to me yet countless Christians have.

That dream and Stephanie’s example has served as a great warning to me.  Stephanie is doing a little bit better these days but I think she is still lost and it breaks my heart.  I would rather be tortured and imprisoned for the rest of my life than have my friend’s soul be lost for eternity!  That is the truth.

My friends, please remember to devote yourselves to prayer and to the Word.  Always wear the full armor of God.  Whether you are a nursing mother or in a nursing home, the time to pray is now.  ”Praying is not the most important thing.”  I have heard this from many people and when I hear this, it is like satan is whispering into my ear, “just take your eyes off of Jesus for a few minutes.”  No way!

All of our service, concern for the poor, wisdom, strength to serve and love our family in Christ is the fruit of prayer.  ALL of it.

Also, ask yourself this question, are you trustworthy to share in the visions, burdens and secrets of God?  A dear sister of mine recently told me that about twice a week, she has dreams that she is watching people being flung into the fires of hell.  Through that, the Lord told her, “You need to fast twice a week and pray 6 hours a day concerning these things.”  

Can the Lord trust you with such things?  Are you burdened with His burdens?  Are you overjoyed with His joy?  Or, are you more interested in your hobbies and activities that you plan throughout the day?  Don’t be blinded, don’t be foolish, BUT BE ON FIRE FOR THE LORD!!!

Amen.

The Light in the face of my greatest darkness

This post is long, but please bare with me

There is a house in the woods where I used to live with my siblings, stepfather and mother.  It is also where my mother was tragically murdered in 1998.  In this house there was a table that my mother visited every morning to hide her troubles behind layers of facial makeup.  When I was a young teenager, I occasionally sat across the table from her and watched her as she watched herself in the mirror.  Sometimes I would utter awkward words but usually I would say nothing at all, not minding the usual silence that filled our lives.

My mother lived in rebellion to her Maker and not only did she live that way, but sadly, she also died that way.  No other such sorrow has filled my heart since then.  When I repented and was baptized at age 19 in the year 2002, I grieved my mother’s death a second time.  For the Lord had opened my eyes to the Truth of His Gospel, holiness and eternity.  And every now and then, I would recall those moments I shared with my mother at that table.  I would recall the look in her eyes, the emptiness, the selfishness and the horror that would suddenly come upon her.

When I was 20 years old, I was a student at Ozark Christian College.  During my first year there I had one of the worst dreams I have ever had before.  Now, the Lord often speaks to me through dreams, that is not unusual.  However, I do not know whether this dream was from Him or if it was just from my wounded imagination.  Nonetheless, I thank God for the dream, for He has used it quite profoundly in my short life.

Let me tell you about this dream:

Suddenly, I was sitting at the table where my mother used to sit every morning.  I could not believe I was actually there.  Everything surrounding me was the same as it used to be in the days of darkness; the decorations, the windows inviting in the morning sunshine, the carpet on the floor, the smell of stale cigarette smoke, everything was in place as it once was.  I even felt the table with my hands to see if it were real and behold, it was! (Or so I thought, I did not know I was dreaming.)

Then, I looked up to see such a sight that I had not seen in so long.  I looked up and there sat my mother.  She was looking at herself in the hand-held mirror as she put on her makeup.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

“Mom, is that really you?”  I murmured nervously.

She did not look up at me but sarcastically responded, “Yes, Leah, of course.  Who else would I be?”

For a moment I was filled with joy to see my mother.  It had been so long and painful and oh, how I wanted to embrace her once again.  I began to smile.  But then, something stabbed me in my heart.  Something was creeping up from the webs of my memory and it brought me terrible, familiar fear.  Suddenly, I felt darkness.  I felt darkness as if it were a physical being standing behind me.  It was so heavy that it was moistening the air with it’s filthy presence.  I wanted to run.

An image flashed through my head as I sat there at that table.  Oh an image, dreaded image.  Before my eyes I saw, but just for a split second, my mother’s murder.  The reality set in that she was soon going to die.  And what was I to do?  What could I do to save my mother?!

“Mom, you need Jesus.”  I said, as the tears were beginning to escape my eyes.

“Haha, oh, Leah.  I don’t know what you mean.  I don’t need Jesus, I am doing just fine.”  My mother said to me, still staring at herself in the mirror.

“No, mom, listen to me.  Please listen to me.  You need Jesus, you need His love.”  I said and with a pleading voice, I began to cry.

My mom finally looked up at me, and with the love of the world flashing in her eyes, she said, “Leah!  Stop it!  I am doing fine.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I don’t need Jesus.”

I finally stood up and pleaded with her, “Mom!  You have to listen to me.  Someone is going to come here and they are going to kill you.  Mom, you need Jesus to live.  You need Him and you need Him right now.  Please, please, please come to Him.  Please!”

She looked up at me with angry eyes, which made me wonder if she were my friend or enemy, and said, “Leave me alone!  I don’t need Jesus.  I am doing just fine, I don’t understand what you’re talking about!”  She looked at herself in the mirror and applied makeup to her face again.

I stood there in despair and I cried out, “Oh mom, why are you doing this?  Why can’t you see?”

I sat down again, and with my hands embracing my head, I lay my head down upon the table and I wept.  I wept so hard.  I wept loudly and I could feel the tears soaking my face.  Oh, the deepest sorrow I have ever known; a sadness that can make a person ill.  Eventually, my own tears were covering the entire table and were dripping onto the floor.  In the corner of my eye I could see my mother sitting there in ignorance of her life, God, His mercy and His wrath.

My own groaning awakened me from my sleep and there I was, back in my dorm room with my roommate sleeping across the room.  My pillow was soaked with tears.  I was crying in my sleep.  I didn’t sleep very well the rest of the night and the next day I felt very sick to my stomach.  I decided to skip my classes and take a long walk in the woods.  I was very distressed about the dream and I desperately needed to talk to my Father about it.

I walked into the woods and stood on some rocks that were near a beautiful creek.  I was trying to make some sort of sense of the dream.  Suddenly, I don’t know it was a vision or what, but I saw people, countless peoples from all around the world.  I saw them, living their lives so unaware of God, His wrath and His mercy provided through Jesus Christ. It was overwhelming.  I fell to my knees and cried out, “Father, you have surely saved me from so much darkness.  Now oh God, I ask by your mercy, please send me to the nations.  Send me!  Send us! Use us as your tool, your message of reconciliation to the peoples of the world who do not worship you or glorify you as God, as my mother did (not glorify you)!  Oh God, send me!  Send me!  Whatever it takes, use me, send me, merciful, merciful God.  Surely Father, I have tasted your goodness and now I have tasted your urgent compassion.”

So, I began to preach the Gospel with every ounce of life that God has given to me.  Preaching the Gospel with urgency and importance as if I were gasping for my last breath.  To anyone, everyone, whoever has ears to hear and eyes to see all around the world, oh, it must be preached!   And most of all, we must pray, for we know that time is so much shorter than we realize.  Most of all, the purpose of life, the joy of our days is this: WORTHY  IS THE LAMB THAT WAS SLAIN!  WORTHY!  WORTHY! WORTHY!

Now, I have shared this dream before with people and some have advised that I seek a “professional counselor.”  I have said to them, “Well, I don’t know about that but this I do know: that we must pray and ask God to send workers into His harvest.  For the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Unto your dying breath, we must spend our lives for His purposes.”

I have thought much about that dream when I have shared Jesus Christ with those who do not yet know Him.  I am reminded of Christ’s urgent compassion and the reality of each and every person.  Jesus looks at people, knowing their own personal condition (spiritual and physical) and the reality of what is to come upon this world.

Do you know that we live in a war?  Surely, in war people do not spend their days goofing off, do they?  Well, the only way a person can walk through a war-torn ravished land with goofiness and laziness is if their senses were cut off–if they are blindfolded so they cannot see, or if their ears are plugged in and could not hear.  Perhaps, that person would even need to have their nose plugged in so they can’t smell!   Or perhaps the individual is so used to war that they have become numb to it, which does happen.

When we do not pray, our spiritual senses are cut off.  Because of this horrible tragedy of prayerlessness and lack of the Word, we don’t see things anymore and we quickly forget that we are in a war.  Also, we fade away from rejoicing in what God rejoices in and grieving in what God grieves in.  Because of prayerlessness and lack of the Word, we can walk right through the eternal war of this present world and be quite unaware of it.  When we are unaware of it, surely, we become ravished by it whether we know it or not.

Have you stopped weeping before the Lord?  Have you stopped grieving over a world that is lost?  Are the purposes and passions of Christ the purpose of your every breath?  Is prayer what controls your life?

Nonetheless, let us return to the Lord.  Let us seek His face.  Let us be awakened to His heart, His purposes, His urgency and His compassion. Let us take care of the orphan and widow in their distress and let us keep ourselves from being polluted by this world (Jms 1:27).  Amen.

The Taste of Eternal Hopelessness, the Story of Zabrina.

I once had a friend named Zabrina.  She was one of my best friends for nearly two years in my days of darkness and fear.  She was a unique lady, around my age, intelligent, lonely, afraid with a searching heart.  Her essence was heavy with self-hatred, for she radiated with darkness…shivering with the shame of a constant secret.  Her character changed from day-to-day, as she was trapped by her many disguises.  The mirror her greatest enemy, she deeply loathed her own existence.  You could see it.  There are many people in the world like Zabrina.  Self-conscious people who live in the frantic drought of not knowing God’s presence.  Who search for water, even though they cannot see it and don’t where it can be found….yet they search…still.

She was a nice girl who wanted to bring “peace” to the earth, but peace is something she never understood.

Zabrina lived in a small town near my own in southern Indiana.  Very often, I found random rides to her house so that we could hang out, get high, write poetry, listen to blasting music and exchange ideas on, “The purpose of life.”  We often wondered who made us and why we were on planet earth.  Yet, we were deprived in every way.  We didn’t know God.  We were dead people in our hearts and souls.  In my days of darkness and fear, I was an evil person filled with unrighteous anger.  Nothing about me was good, for in man, there can be no good apart from the redemption and transformation of Jesus Christ.

I made a terrible choice with Zabrina…oh terrible.  How shameful.

Zabrina really liked a guy named Joseph.  She was “madly in love” with him for years and years.  However, Joseph and I began to hang out on a regular basis and in our deprived and disgusting minds, we began to date.  Zabrina was furious and began to spread lies about to me to many people, including Joseph.  Of course, Zabrina was kind to me to my face.

When I learned of Zabrina’s behavior, I was full of sinful rage.  One day, when I was walking around the small town where Zabrina lived, I was with a group of my friends and saw Zabrina from a distance.  In the filth of my selfish mind, I ran after her and I loudly shouted horrible and humiliating curses.  I wanted to embarrass her in front of all of our friends so I chased her down the road.  I called her many grevious names and threatened her, even her life.  Zabrina, who was much smaller than me, in a panic, ran quickly to her house.  But I kept yelling, chased her to her front door where she quickly ran inside.  I stood outside her front door banging for quite some time.  I yelled with endless threats and terrible curse words until I finally walked away.

That night, I wrote a terrible email to Zabrina.  Zabrina and I were both poets so we were  creative with our words.  With my poetic and corrupt  mind, I wrote her a very long, intense and evil letter.  I have never written such cruel words to any person as I did then.  I told Zabrina that she was worthless, that she was the worst of all of creation and that she had only one purpose in life: to die as a result of her worthlessness.  I went on and on about how much I, and everyone she knew, hated her.  How shameful of me!  Oh, what a wretch of a person I was!  I truly lived in disobedience to God in my deprived state.  How terrible, how shameful, how disgusting and my poor friend…how could I?

About six or seven months later, God called me by His grace into fellowship with Himself through His Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ.  He gave me a new heart, He renewed my mind through His purifying Word.  I repented, I turned away from my old self and sin.  He called me to Himself and He brought my soul back from the dead.  He gave me a new life….and He enabled me to forgive.  I must forgive or I will not be forgiven by Him.  He is worthy and He is good.

I thought about Zabrina a lot after I was baptized and I wanted to contact her, although I didn’t know how.  One day by random thought, I decided to look into her email account (she gave me her password sometime ago because she wanted me to check something for her and I remembered the password.)  I opened her account and saw emails she had recently sent but I saw one saved message, so I decided to open it.

The saved message was the horrible email I sent her.  ”What?  Why did she save this?”  I wondered.  Let me tell you something, people tend to hold on to things that they believe, be that bad or good.  Zabrina likely saved that email because she believed the words written in it (my assumptions).

About six months later, I actually got to see Zabrina!  I worked a night shift at a factory and had just gotten off of work.  My friend, Jeremy, gave me ride home and stopped at his house to get a few things.  And behold, Zabrina was there, hanging out with some friends!  I saw her standing on his front porch, even though it was nighttime and I could only see her outline.  I was so happy to see her, for I wanted her to see me as the new person God made me and finally, I could apologize and share the Good News of Jesus Christ!  I was so happy that I wanted to cry.

As we got out of the car, I walked with Jeremy to his front door.  There was a large group of people hanging out on his front porch so I couldn’t get to Zabrina right away.  When we came inside, I quickly walked to Zabrina and she said, “Leah!” and she gave me a hug.  I was so surprised.  She was covered in makeup and seemed quite nervous.  She did not look me in the eyes but asked how I was doing.  Oh, my heart was overwhelmed with sorrow for the things I did and said to her and I wanted to embrace her to tell her how sorry I was.

“I am doing really well, Zabrina.  My life is very different now.  How are you?”  I asked.  I wondered if I should go ahead and apologize and begin to tell her how Jesus saved me but I could tell that Jeremy was in a hurry to get me home.

“Oh, you know, just been hanging out and having fun.”  Said Zabrina, as she played with the ends of her shirt.

“Oh, maybe I shouldn’t apologize right now, there are tons of people everywhere and Jeremy is in a hurry to get me home.”  I thought to myself.

“Zabrina, can we please hang out sometime?  I really miss you and would love to spend time together.”  I said to Zabrina.  She agreed and I gave her my phone number.  I did not hear from her after that because I moved to Joplin, Missouri, about a month later to attend college…but something horrible happened.  Worse than I could have imagined.

About six months later, I was doing a summer internship with a missions camp in southern Indiana when I received a random phone call from my sister.  She told me some terrible news…

“Leah, do you remember your friend, Zabrina?”  She asked, with a shaking voice.

My mind began to race, “Yes, of course, why?”

My sister replied, “She died yesterday.”

Shock numbed my face and my eyes immediately began to water.  In a panic, I frantically asked my sister what happened to Zabrina but my sister did not know. I quickly called Zabrina’s life-long best friend, Sarah.  I asked her what happened and she gave me horrific news.

Zabrina came home one day, wrote a long letter, put the letter in a jar.  Then, Zabrina lied on the couch, put the jar on her stomach and shot herself in the head.  Her mother came home to find her.

Oh the horrors of the earth…an earthquake in the eternities when her blood was shed!                                          

Oh, tears have drenched the sun…and all grief enclouds her broken head.                                                                  

The greatest sadness she approached…with a raging mind and heart.                                                                            

Oh, my friend, Zabrina, where did you go?  You have lost your second start...

It was a sad day and a sad period of time for many.

I went to Zabrina’s funeral a few days later.  It was dark and horrible.  Zabrina was cremated and on a table sat her ashes.  I saw pictures of Zabrina, my familiar friend whom I would never see again.  I saw pictures of her wearing clothes that I regularly saw on her.  I saw pictures of her, with her usually messy hair, fake smile and empty eyes. I walked around and looked at the many pictures and I cried very hard.

I saw her mother, whom I knew so well, sitting there and repeating words that didn’t make sense, “I feel Zabrina, she is here.  Her soul is here….all she ever wanted to do was help people!!!!!!!!  She was a good girl!!  ZABRINAAAAAAA!!”  Her mother wept loudly, gripping the hands of those around her, unable to fully express her grief.

As you see, those who live in the frantic drought of not knowing God’s presence, make up their own hope and it is false.  They have dialogues with their imaginations as their souls thirst for the living God..searching for water though they do not know where it can be found.  And with all the rejoicing inside of my frail body and alive soul…I can say, that Jesus is the living water.  He is!  He is!  He is!

I saw so many of my old friends, sitting on the floor, sobbing.  I said hello to some of them but they were in no mood for conversations and quite honestly, neither was I.  I sat down in one of the seats available and I wept very hard.

A man stood up and spoke for quite some time, but I don’t remember what he said.  However, there came a time when one of Zabrina’s friends stood up and read the letter that was found on Zabrina’s stomach.  Why they read this letter?  I do not know.  The letter was filled with this angry message: “I hate myself and everything in this world.”

Oh my heart was torn.  She died only to receive that which she had sown during her short life.  A life of sin, disobedience to God and hatred.  Now, she will suffer forever in her drought…a dry place with no light and no hope….hell.  Oh, a glimpse into eternal hopelessness and the darkness that rules this world.  Time is so short, and we must not waste it.

I cannot remember all that Zabrina’s letter included but it was beyond disturbing.  The funeral was short and I did not talk to many people, for everyone seemed to be in a daze of grief and shock that separated them from reality, and it would for some time.  You know, death does that, for the mind of man was never created to embrace this unnatural separation called death.

I walked away from the funeral, dumbfounded and sad.  My friend was gone.  No time to apologize to Zabrina, no time to give her the Good News that would set her free from Satan’s eternal grasp, if she were to accept it.  No time now.  It’s over.

How do you face the hopelessness of the soul of one who is forever gone?  You grieve and you praise God for His justice, and you grieve, nonetheless.  I also had to forgive myself for my own cowardliness and selfishness of my past life.  I even wondered if I had something to do with her suicide but I will never know.  I must forgive myself and press on.  I often think about Zabrina and I grieve deeply.

My God is faithful, just and He is so good to those who fear Him and hope in Him. I love Him and I pray for many people who are in Satan’s eternal grasp, like my dear friend, Zabrina.  We must press on, press on and press on.

That is the story of Zabrina.

My glory, my treasure, the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

One hot afternoon when I was 18 years old and homeless, I was wandering the sidewalks of a small town near my hometown. In my days of slavery and bondage, I was addicted to huffing silver spray paint and I was usually so high from it, that I often, unknowingly sprayed it all over myself. I also had messy dreadlocks and I rarely wore shirts or shoes (yes, I walked around topless all summer.) I was up all night and spent that entire morning huffing paint. I had it all over my face and hands, although I did not realize it until later.

On this particular day in this small town, two of my old child-hood neighbors happened to drive by. They drove by once, turned around and drove by again. The second time they stopped, rolled down the window and with an appalled look, one of the young ladies asked me, “Whoa, Leah? I barely recognized you. What are you doing? What happened to you? Don’t you have anywhere to go?”

I laughed with a slow and tired laugh and just said, “Peace, man. Everything is cool in my world, what about yours’?.” The young ladies did not say a word but just rolled up their windows and drove away shaking their heads.

As I watched their car drive away into the busy street, I laughed at myself and the silly response I gave them. Then I began to look down at the ground, as I always did in those days and I wondered…

I squinted my eyes in thought as I felt the burning torch of shame and loneliness. I quoted one of my poems, “Loneliness is the face of my heart. The stars alone can see my face….for I was born alone without a place….a homeless soul from the start….”

I nodded my head as a means of encouraging myself. I walked on as I thought about the embarrassing incident that had just happened. I couldn’t believe those girls, who had known me since I was eight years old, saw me in this kind of state. I was so ashamed of myself and I wondered what would become of my life……

Now, let me tell you something. There exists a place on planet earth that I have hated. To me, it has been my hell on earth. It is a house in the woods of southern Indiana It exists next to a beautiful pond, kind neighbors and a familiar gravel road. It is the house where I used to live, it is the house where my mother was murdered. And in the years after her murder, I spent many days and nights in that place, lamenting loudly, having nightmares and getting high with my friends.

I do not like going there and I find great comfort in knowing that I live very far away from it now. Every now and then, I will have nightmares about this horrible place where life was so dark. Oh, how God has saved me….

I came to know the Resurrection and the Life when I was 19 years old. Oh yes, my treasure, my love, my Lord, Jesus Christ, the worthy one, the one whom the world has been waiting for, for so long. I came to know the Resurrection and the Life when I was 19 and He has done so much in my life, I will never be able to fully explain His mercies. I just give Him my life in tearful gratitude, thanking Him every second, every hour, every moment, I love Him….He loved me first and forever, I weep with thankfulness to the Lamb that was slain. I love Him, I love Him, He is my treasure and I will do anything, anything, anything for my Love. My good shepherd, my good shepherd, He is wonderful…

Anyway, since I have known Jesus and His life in me, I have had many dreams from Him. He has chosen to speak tenderly to me in such ways. Let me tell you of one dream in particular:

I had a dream that I was walking down the gravel road that leads to the house where my mother was murdered. In my head, I knew where I was and I knew that I didn’t like it and that soon, I would see the house, the place that I hate, the place where my mother died.

In my dream, it was pouring down rain so hard, that I could barely see anything. With my head tilted up, lifted to the skies, I was singing very loudly sweet praises to God. I was filled with heavenly and inexpressible joy! My voice was much louder than it could ever be in my life! My hands were lifted high and I was skipping, laughing and dancing as I made my way down the road to where my mother was murdered, “My Father is here with me! He is here with me! Haha! My Father, my Father!” I sang to God, like a child dancing in the sunlight unaware of the troubles that surround her.

Suddenly, I saw my child-hood neighbors drive by. They drove by once, turned around and drove by again. The second time they stopped, rolled down the window and with an appalled look, one of the young ladies asked me, “Whoa, Leah? I barely recognized you. What are you doing? What happened to you? Don’t you have anywhere to go?”

I ran towards their window, stuck my arms inside and wrapped my hands around one of the ladies’ faces and I shouted, with tears of joy covering my face, “Ah! Don’t you see? I have been resurrected with Jesus Christ! God saved me and He has done marvelous things in my life! And don’t you wonder these things to yourselves, for the Lord has made me a new creation! I am not ashamed, I’m alive!” I laughed loudly, let go of the woman’s face and stood back, while the girls rolled up their window and drove away.

I continued walking, skipping, dancing down the road and singing louder than ever to my King. I thought to myself with the deepest satisfaction in life, “How could I ever be ashamed or fearful again?”

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